


I FINALLY LOVE MYSELF

by ShizayaHeiwahara



Category: Original Work
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-15
Packaged: 2018-03-30 15:53:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3942634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShizayaHeiwahara/pseuds/ShizayaHeiwahara





	I FINALLY LOVE MYSELF

I hate myself. I hate my existence. I hate my whole being. I should have never been born. I just... want to die.  
That was what I am, but now, everything has changed. Everything has been turned upside down. Since that day I woke up... with a renewed life.  
*****************************************************************************  
"You're an abomination! You're a mistake! Nobody wants someone like you! Just go and disappear from our sight!" Common. Those sentences are too common. Can't they think of a better line? I had been used to those since I was a kid. And I grew insensitive hearing those after some time.  
"Why do we even bother talking to a trash like you? You're the son of a slut." Noisy. They are too noisy. Can't they shut up for once?  
"You're a loathsome!" Oh, don't worry about that. I hate myself too. I hate that I exist. If only I can choose the parent I can be born from; if only I can choose my identity, then I wouldn't have to suffer these humiliations.  
To shut them all up, I got to my feet and left the classroom. Yes, at least I'm attending school. I'm currently in high school now, but, people are still too childish, still bullying me. 'Might as well just go home now. I don't know if the teachers even know of my existence.  
When I got home, I heard noises from inside of the house. "Today, too?" I mused to myself while standing outside the closed door. I leaned my back on it to eavesdrop on the people inside. Though I know it's the same old lines.  
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, darling!" That's my mother, apologizing for a small mistake for sure. She's crying. Doesn't she get tired of crying? Hasn't her tears drained yet? She's pathetic.  
"Tch! Don't you dare touch me, you slut! You're planning to have a child on another man again?! Huh?!" I heard loud crash. Something has shattered. "You're lucky enough I still accepted you despite of being a whore and I even took your child under my name."  
"No, honey! I don't! I swear to you I don't! I'm not seeing anyone anymore. I was just with my friends." She's pleading, crying and probably kneeling. Her body will be covered with a new layer of bruises over bruises.  
"That kid! I shouldn't have taken him in! He just reminds me of your whoring days. We should've just left him in an orphanage!" I heard another crashing sound.  
I just closed my eyes as tight as possible. "No no no no no no! Please, honey, don't say such things." Stop it! Stop pleading now, will you? "It's not his fault to be born—!" Slap! That's why I told you to stop!  
I don't want to add fuel to the fire, so, I decided to leave. I'll just return when they are finished 'talking'.  
I walked to the deserted playground and sat on the swing. So solemn; so peaceful. So this where I belong—in a place where I am alone. No humiliations, no hatred, no blaming, no remorse. Schools and homes are a bunch of tortures.  
I closed my eyes, savoring the solemnity of the place while swinging myself back and forth. My eyes are getting hot; I felt something streaming down my cheeks. I tried to stop it but... it's so stubborn it won't listen to me. Shit! I'm crying.  
I just covered my eyes with my hand and bit my lips.  
So, I haven't completely become insensitive yet. I'm like that for quite a time. I just let my tears freely race down my face. And I somehow felt that my chest is becoming heavy. It feels harder to breathe, so I tried to inhale lungful of air, whenever I breathe.  
"It's getting late. You should go home now, or you'll catch cold." I heard someone talked as the swing stopped.  
The person removed my hand from my eyes. I opened them to see a handsome guy, staring down on me while standing behind me. "You... Don't have to care." I said stubbornly, not wanting to go home. It's better to be out here than to be in the house where I'm unwanted.  
"Of course I have to be. I'm your best friend." He walked in front of me bearing that irritating wide smile on his face. "And you're a sickly person, you know that."  
Pfft! People would be happy to hear that, you know. I didn't voice this out. I don't like to waste my time arguing with this guy. "Who told you you're my best friend? Don't get so full of yourself." I stood up and felt my legs are becoming shaky. I feel weak. Actually I always feel that way. Because my 'best friend' is right, I'm a sickly person.  
I always easily fell sick when soaked by the rain or got too tired or got emotionally troubled. My heart had been weak since childhood and I have asthma. That's one reason why my mother's husband hated me.  
I... shouldn't have cried... Now, I can't... breathe... My sight is blurring... No! I'm going to... going to...  
"..........!" I heard my 'best friend' call out but I can't make out the words he said. My sight had been covered by a black curtain.  
The next thing I realized was there were voices chattering near me. My sight is still covered by darkness, but I am able to hear.  
"You should've monitored his health often. Now, he's been reduced to this state." The voice paused. "His heart... became worse that medications won't be able to treat it..."  
Then there was a sob that turned into a loud cry. Was that my mother who's crying? She's crying again. "T-then what? W-what can we do? Tell me, tell me doctor! Please!" She said between sobs.  
Doctor. So I'm in a hospital? Ah... That's right. I collapsed, didn't I? In front of my 'best friend'.  
I pretended to be still asleep to listen to them. That's when I realized my breathing has stabled. A bit.  
"Your son needs a new heart in order to survive. If not, his condition will worsen and I'm afraid... he won't be able to... to live through the year." He sounded sorry. As if.  
But my mom... her cries just got louder.  
After that there was a long moment of silence. Maybe, I've fallen asleep without opening my eyes?  
"Yo!" I heard a sweet familiar voice. It's as if I've been waiting for him to arrive. "Are you not gonna wake up yet? You've already been sleeping for so long, you know." He combed my hair with his hand. The action was so gentle, makes me wanna cry.  
Aside from him, nobody... nobody has been this kind to me. "Please... I'm begging you... wake up." I felt him moved. His weight was over me and his head beside mine. I can feel his warm breath. Is he hugging me?  
We were like that for who knew how long. The warmth I feel when I'm with him cannot be matched by the warmth fire can produce. I don't want him to leave—this guy, the only one who wants my existence.  
"You're my reason for living... so please open your eyes. I promise to protect you from them." Huh? What is he saying? Reason for living?  
Ugh! This darkness that covering my vision, why doesn't it leave? I... I... I wanna see his face, for no reason. His persistence is annoying, but I wanna see him, I don't know why.  
I felt him nestle his head on my neck. Why? This actions of him... they are too bold. He's like... like a lover. "I love you." What?! The moment I heard him say it, it's as if I wanna stand immediately and run away, but I felt something inside me lighten. Maybe it's because it's my first time receiving such words.  
I wanna move. I wanna see. I wanna talk! But this is so frustrating. I can't even lift a finger let alone open my eyes! I wanna cry.  
Long moments passed, alternating silent and noisy times came. My 'best friends' voice would come and go. As if he leaves but comes back. Whenever he's here, he would tell me whatever did happen that day to him, just like before. He would giggle that will turn into guffaws. And after that he would never forget whispering "I love you" before disappearing.  
"Madame, the clock is ticking, and your child is running out of time." It's the doctor, probably, talking to my mother. "And I'm sorry but... we can't still find a heart for your son."  
"No, doctor! Please, we still have time... -sob- Don't ask me to give up on saving my child... Please! Please! Please!" There she goes again crying her life out.  
"Auntie..." my heart skipped a beat. That voice. it's him.  
"Oh! It's you! -sob-"  
"We will find a heart for him, for sure. We will not give up." My mother's crying. And he's there beside her.  
After that the voices disappeared.  
"Hey." Huh? So he stayed. "I won't let you be taken. I won't give up. I promise." Then i felt my lips warmed up. Something touched it. Soft and sweet and warm. Did he just kissed me? "I love you. I'll be with you always..."  
And then he's gone. He's gone. He's gone. For so long. Not just long, but really long. He's gone for a long time.  
I wanted to see him. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to feel the warmth he gives me. Where is he? I want him so badly. I missed him so badly, that, very slowly, I was able to open my eyes. I missed him so badly that I was able to breathe normally again.  
"Where is he..?" Was the first I sentence muttered when I opened my eyes.  
"My son! My son! You're finally awake!" I heard a voice near me. A crying voice of joy.  
"Where is he..?" I repeated as I blinked my eyes, once, twice, thrice, until my sight have adapted to the light.  
"W-who..?" My mothers voice was trembling.  
"......." I didn't answer 'cause i have fallen asleep again.  
*****************************************************************************  
I woke up on my bed, feeling warm all over me. I woke up with a renewed life. I always woke up, not having all sorts of distress with me.  
From the moment I woke up from coma, I was never the same self-loathing kid.  
And from that moment I woke up, I've always waited for him. But... He never came back. I never heard his voice again. He was no longer in town. He gone. Without trace.  
I jumped out of bed to prepare for school. I went for the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. Then i saw it. My reflection.  
I saw that kid that was considered as a misfortune. The kid that I never wanted to see.  
But now, I see him, staring back at me. Smiling. And I said to him, "I... Finally... Love you."  
I told you, I won't let you die.


End file.
